Assalamu Alaikum! So back in November I submitted an article, it was picked as a feature article and posted here. In the last few months I have had to trust in Allah(swt) more than ever. I went through a bad spell of depression and was so far down at the bottom….I was on the verge of shutting everyone out. I was….down and out. I was still praying my salat 5 times a day. I was still making dhikr. I was still listening to nasheeds. I was still going to the mosque. Everyone seem to think I was the model muslimah. I was being talked about in several different mosques. People wanted to talk to me. People wanted to know my story.
I can’t say I liked the attention. But I also didn’t shy away from it. I did wonder though how people could see me as they did. Every time someone asked how I was, I would respond alhamdulillah. Their faces would light up. I thought, if they only knew the truth.
The truth…I was down and out. Going through the motions. Trying not to lose hope. Trying to keep going on with my life as if I was fine. But I wasn’t fine. I was in a very, very dark place. I was wearing all black. People thought I was trying to be pious. It was more like mourning attire for me.
I don’t want to get into a lot of personal details here but suffice it to say I am having marital issues and things are not turning out the way I pictured. No, we are not divorcing. We are staying together for our son. That in itself is not easy for me.
I finally snapped out of it after a talk that my husband I had where I realized that no matter what I did or didn’t do he is not going to change his mind about our situation.
I have turned back into myself. I did a lot of soul searching. I am happy with myself again. I am able to open my prayer rug and cry my heart out to Allah(swt) knowing that He knows what is best for me and He will help me and reward me, inshaaAllah.
No matter how down and out you are, realize that Allah(swt) is always there for us. He never leaves us. He will never leave us. People(husbands) will come and go in our lives, but Allah(swt) is always a constant. No matter what…..He forgives us, He loves us as we are. We don’t have to put on airs or change anything about ourselves to please him. (given we are not sinning of course and we are following His commandments)
Practice your ibadah, be yourself and love Allah(swt). He loves you as you are and He will help you when you are down and out.
Fi iman Allah!