By: Reyhan

Assalamu Alaikum!  So back in November I submitted an article, it was picked as a feature article and posted here.  In the last few months I have had to trust in Allah(swt) more than ever.  I went through a bad spell of depression and was so far down at the bottom….I was on the verge of shutting everyone out.  I was….down and out.  I was still praying my salat 5 times a day.  I was still making dhikr.  I was still listening to nasheeds.  I was still going to the mosque.  Everyone seem to think I was the model muslimah.  I was being talked about in several different mosques.  People wanted to talk to me.  People wanted to know my story.

I can’t say I liked the attention. But I also didn’t shy away from it.  I did wonder though how people could see me as they did.  Every time someone asked how I was, I would respond alhamdulillah.  Their faces would light up.  I thought, if they only knew the truth.

The truth…I was down and out.  Going through the motions.  Trying not to lose hope.  Trying to keep going on with my life as if I was fine.  But I wasn’t fine.  I was in a very, very dark place.  I was wearing all black.  People thought I was trying to be pious.  It was more like mourning attire for me.

I don’t want to get into a lot of personal details here but suffice it to say I am having marital issues and things are not turning out the way I pictured.  No, we are not divorcing.  We are staying together for our son.  That in itself is not easy for me.

I finally snapped out of it after a talk that my husband I had where I realized that no matter what I did or didn’t do he is not going to change his mind about our situation.

I have turned back into myself.  I did a lot of soul searching.  I am happy with myself again.  I am able to open my prayer rug and cry my heart out to Allah(swt) knowing that He knows what is best for me and He will help me and reward me, inshaaAllah.

No matter how down and out you are, realize that Allah(swt) is always there for us.  He never leaves us.  He will never leave us.  People(husbands) will come and go in our lives, but Allah(swt) is always a constant.  No matter what…..He forgives us, He loves us as we are.  We don’t have to put on airs or change anything about ourselves to please him.  (given we are not sinning of course and we are following His commandments)

Practice your ibadah, be yourself and love Allah(swt).  He loves you as you are and He will help you when you are down and out.

Fi iman Allah!
Reyhan

Now I’m walking into this humongous building, there are teenagers everywhere, I didn’t seem to notice any other Muslims. I was scared to go in alone, I made my big sister drop me off to my class. I felt like a little kid but I was just so nervous.

*Another side note: as a woman, I’m really sick and tired of being treated as a piece of meat or an object. When people look at me, they look at my physical beauty and judge me based on that. But, I am a woman with opinions that matter, I have a voice, I am a person with beliefs and values. I want to be seen for who I am not what I look like.

Asalam Alaykum!  I’m not dead!  Al-hamdulillah!  I don’t know if any of you follow my own personal blog, but I posted on there why I’ve been silent for so long.  Let’s just say that wallowing in depression isn’t terribly conducive to writing.

Anyhow, I’ve been on my meds and slowly getting better.  I’m certainly not back to what I would call my normal self yet, but at least I can see that I’m heading in that direction.

While I was in this dark space, I really withdrew from everything…my Hipsters, my blog, my YouTube account….the iHip YouTube, this blog …yeah…I apologize for just vanishing like that.  There was really nothing that I could do, no way to get out of the darkness that I was in.  Then, bit by bit and day by day, I started coming out.  I started reading the blogs that I used to and started watching those Youtubers that I enjoy.

That’s when I saw this post from Sabrina of Slice of Lemon - I really love her blog voice and I have a feeling that if we ever had the chance to meet in real life, we’d make fast friends.  Anyhow, she had this post from a few weeks back and it really inspired me.  It’s all about creating new habits and how it’s supposed to take 21 days of doing something for these habits to form…so she has her list of things, I have my own (sorry, not going to share most of the things on my list…it’s just private, ya know?)

Anyhow – I’m planning on sitting down and making a more “formal” list by Friday…and hopefully making a video in which I’ll share some (not all!) of my things I want to change…Who wants to join me (and by default, Sabrina) and make some small, easy changes that will make us better people??

If you’re willing to share, post your lists in the comments box, on our fanpage, or link to your videos about what you want to change!  Inspire the world!

Oh, it’s that feeling that most Muslims can probably relate to in some way or form; the feeling of being the odd one out. That feeling that seems to come about whenever friends, colleagues or even family members arrange a get together or just a day out. The thoughts that usually run through the mind are ‘is it halal?’ and ‘how do I explain myself if I refuse to attend, AGAIN?’

Well, it has taken me almost a decade to figure it out, but honesty really is the best policy (the answer was staring me in the face all along), and that doesn’t mean having to be alone. It does take me a bit of a ramble to get to the point, but Insha’Allah I hope you can bear with me.

I would be the first to admit that I took being brought up in a Muslim household for granted and up until my late teens, was more interested in the material world, friends, popularity and getting the best (or at least what I thought was best) of what I had at that very moment. The upshot of that was that I was unhappy; I was constantly seeking the approval of those around me (especially friends…that fear of being alone), which as we all know is unhealthy if a person never knows the true purpose of their actions, and indeed their life. Teenage years (and growing up in general) can be challenging enough without having to try and adjust every other term/semester in order to fit into the ‘in crowd’. But then it came, the Ramadan of 2006, the year it all changed for me.

“Verily, you (O Muhammad) guide not whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He knows best those who are the guided.”  (Qur’an, 28:56)

It came as a shock to me and those around me; I finally realised I was a Muslim. I have a purpose in life and that is to please Allah (swt). I do have guidance in the form of the Qur’an and Sunnah. I will be held accountable for my actions not by the ‘in crowd’ or the fashion gurus, but Allah (swt). I finally found a source of true happiness and purpose.
Of course with all this came a need for change and with change there can be hardship. But the Prophet (saw) said:

“Verily, if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry upon him is wrath.” [Tirmidhi]

Alhamdulillah, I adorned the hijab with relative ease, but it took me by surprise just how much my social activities (and some friends) would have to change.

Now here’s what I realised when I got to college and university. Friends will ask you to go out with them and there will be events that will be considered practically mandatory, but saying yes to avoid being the odd one out isn’t the answer. Here are a few scenarios that I myself have experienced and witnessed (see if you can relate to them).

Scenario 1: Your friends (Muslim and/or non-Muslim) want to go to the students’ union bar and considering everyone on campus/on your course will be there, you’re pressurised to go.

Scenario 2: Your friends/colleagues have arranged a lunch/gathering/day out, but you find that there will be both males and females attending, so the likelihood is that there will be unnecessary free mixing.

Scenario 3: It is the end of the year or someone’s birthday/wedding and you’re expected to go because it is and will be all that everyone will be talking about. However, you don’t know if the event is segregated and what type of environment will be the setting.

Scenario 4: It is time for prayer but you don’t know how to excuse yourself from the middle of work/lunch/friends/colleagues.

Scenario 5: Those around you see you in Islamic dress and think for example that you may be oppressed, an extremist or plain old fashioned. They seem to have the wrong idea about Islam, do you say anything?

So what do you do? Do you shy away from telling them how you feel for fear of isolation? Do you say yes or agree because you don’t want to insult your friends/colleagues? Maybe you don’t want to cause a confrontation? What is the answer?
The best thing you can do is be straightforward with them, but remember to be gentle and calm just as the Prophet (saw). Most people (if not everyone) will be willing to understand if you just explain to them that it is against your religion for you to attend certain social gatherings/events if they are not in a halal setting (this may require some explanation so try and keep clued up on your deen). It may be that your friends are unaware of Islam (an opportunity for some dawah?). Perhaps there are other Muslims in the group who feel they cannot say no for fear of being an outcast, but will if they know they are not alone. You’ll be surprised how willing schools/colleges/universities/employers are willing to accommodate you for your five daily prayers and other obligations like fasting. Remember:

“Satan only wants to cause between you animosity and hatred through intoxicants and gambling and to avert you from the remembrance of Allah and from prayer. So will you not desist?” (Qur’an 5:91)

“And it has already been revealed to you in the Book (this Qur’an) that when you hear the Verses of Allah being denied and mocked at, then sit not with them, until they engage in a talk other than that; (but if you stayed with them) certainly in that case you would be like them. Surely, Allah will collect the hypocrites and disbelievers all together in Hell” [Qur’an 4:140]

“Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him not sit at a table where alcohol is being passed around.” End quote. [Tafseer Ibn Katheer (2/435)]

“And those who do not bear witness to falsehood, and if they pass by some evil play or evil talk, they pass by it with dignity” [Qur'an 25:72]

It is without a doubt a challenging experience to try and keep a balance between the social and spiritual aspects of life. Even if you can’t remember a specific source or quote, if you are in doubt as to whether a thing is haram or halal, avoid it until you know. Never be afraid to say you don’t know, but always seek to find out because;

“..put your trust in Allah if you are believers indeed…” (Qur’an 5:23).

It is perfectly fine to be in the company of Muslims and non-Muslims, but if you find that you are unable to fully practice your deen because of some (and unfortunately at times all) of them, which consequently leads to you drifting apart, it is probably beneficial to you. After all, Allah (swt) knows best. This life is a test and we must have sabr because we will be held accountable for our own actions, and we are encouraged to stay in the presence of those who will help us in keeping on the straight path; gaining the best in this life and the next. Alhamdulillah, I myself have now been placed in the company of those who are understanding and remind me of what is good. If you find yourself alone or feeling down, remember that being the odd one out for a good reason is a good thing and:

“O you who believe! Seek help in patience and the prayer…” (Qur’an 2:153)
“So do not become weak, nor be sad…” (Qur’an 3:139)
“Verily, with hardship there is relief” (Qur’an 94:6)

You only have one life to make difference to yourself, others, the world around you, and the reward you will get from Allah (swt) Insha’Allah, so strive for the best in this world and the next.

Over the years I have always heard others say ‘trust in Allah’.  Though I always knew it in theory I never really knew it is my heart.  I have recently come to know the true meaning of this statement.  It is not something that is to be said non-chalantly with a laxidasical attitude.  O, trust in Allah and then poof…no matter what you do…all is good in this world and the streets are lined with gold.  No, that is not it at all.  Trust in Allah is far more than that.  It means that you trust in Him with your entire being.  Your mind, your heart, your body, your soul.  When a thought comes into your head, you push it aside and make dhikr.  Allah(swt) tells us in several places through out the Qur’an, remember Me. The word remember is written as dhikr in arabic.  Rememberence.  Call on Him, no matter what for whatever.  Why is this so hard for us as human beings to do?  Yes, we say we trust in Allah…but do we really and truely?  We worry about things until we m
ake oursevles sick.  There IS nothing we, alone, can do.  Only through trusting in Allah(swt) can we acheive all things.  No matter how bad things seem, trust in Allah(swt) and know that as long as you are doing what He commands you to do (worship Him) then He will see you through.  He will provide for you.  He will keep His promise.  We often forget after we say trust in Allah to say alhamduillah.  Yes, He tests us.  He tests us because He loves us and wants for us to enter Jennah.  And being the sinners we are, maybe these tests are way for Him to cleanse us of our sins.  It is His way of saying, wake up…do what I tell you and I will provide for you!  So, no matter what happens to you or how depressed you are or how bad things seem…trust in Allah(swt) and no that He will carry you through IF you truely trust in Him and do as He commands…. Fi iman Allah!

Her father was the Deacon, now Elder, of the Seventh-Day Adventist Church. She always participated in the activities that was expected of her. Friendly and loved by all they all encouraged her to attend a Medical Missionary/Theology College in Georgia. She always loved the medical field as she grew up for part of her life on the farm her father had. Often times they tended the animals illness’s and other minor things. When she was 12 she saw her little sister born since the 3 youngest were born at home. At age 14 she was the assistant mid-wife for her second sisters birth.

When she was 17 she headed down to the school, having just finished her high school. She was there in the Georgia mountains loving the life there and gaining such knowledge! She had heard that the class she was going to graduate with were going to Africa and the main language that they would need to know was french. So on her spare time she was learning french on a language learning program. Sometimes she would chat with some people who knew french, many of them were muslims. At first she made it her mission to help them to be Christian, but they always had a point to something and she couldn’t dispute against it.

She got to the point where she was angry, she didn’t even want to know about Islam. It made the world she knew seem so wrong. It took her out of her comfort zone. She kindly asked her friends to no longer speak to her about religion. She was no longer content with her life and her religion. So on her own accord she began studying Islam, and the more she learned about it the more she loved it. Everything made sense. When the church said that somethings we must have faith in and that we are not made to understand everything, Islam had a reason for everything they believed.

Her 18th birthday rolled around and many people had forgotten about it. She was sad and disappointed, as she knew the girls in this school were well known for their ability to throw modest and cute parties for their friends. When she came back to her dorm room there was a package on her door in a bag. She took it off and went and sat on her bed and opened it. It was the Quran! The Quran she had ordered almost a month ago! She had given up hope of it ever coming since it had already been so long. It was in her eyes as a gift from Allah.

9/11 rolled around and she heard about the crazy Preacher down in Florida threatening to burn the Quran, the book that had given her an understanding to life and peace for herself and with mankind. This is what triggered her next decision, she wanted to be a muslim. She knew it was the truth, she knew it was the only way to make it to Jinnah. To serve one God, to pray 5 times a day, to honor your mother first before any other…but she was in a Christian college, how could she fulfill this dream of hers? Her very good muslim friend from Algeria had said that she had over 1,000 friends. Of course she didn’t believe at first, but now she was so desperate to find a Muslim. She asked her Algerian friend if she knew any Muslims in Georgia. Her friend said that she didn’t but was acquainted with a lady in Florida. Through this woman in Florida she was able to leave the school and fulfill the dream she held. We can’t say that she has had the easiest time, as many of her friends
and families no longer speak to her or just strongly disliked her, feeling as if she had betrayed them.Though there are a few in her family that support her and this gives her more strength in what she believes. She was always taught to follow her dreams and to strive to fulfill what she believed to be right.

This girl is me.

After a few moments of post-salah reflection, I got up from my prayer mat thinking that I should call up a friend and talk about how forlorn I feel. There was so much on my mind that I didn’t know how to deal with, or rather I knew, but my heart wasn’t quite settled. My patience – something I have built up quite a bit – was wearing thin. Certainly, I was feeling much better after salah, but I still wanted some advice and cheering up.

Putting the mat away, my eyes fell on the Qur’an verse calendar that I keep on my dresser. It has passages from the Qur’an for every day of the year. It was already luhr and I had forgotten to flip it over for the day.

So I turned the page over to JUNE 10 – and stood stock-still.

فَٱصۡبِرۡ إِنَّ وَعۡدَ ٱللَّهِ حَقٌّ۬ وَٱسۡتَغۡفِرۡ لِذَنۢبِكَ وَسَبِّحۡ بِحَمۡدِ رَبِّكَ بِٱلۡعَشِىِّ وَٱلۡإِبۡڪَـٰرِ

Patiently, then persevere: for the Promise of Allah is true: and ask forgiveness for thy fault, and celebrate the Praises of thy Lord in the evening and in the morning.

Surah Ghafir (40) : Ayah 55

And that was all the assurance I needed.

 In my bright blue planner, amidst hastily scribbled homework assignments, e-mail addresses, and scheduled meetings, are the names of the five daily prayers. I’ve been writing them down to check off, the way I check off meetings and assignments once completed. I never used to keep track of prayers this way, but then again I never used to regularly accumulate prayers to make up.

To state the obvious, I am not writing this while in the best of faith.

This past month I’ve found myself suddenly new to everything – new resident of this neighborhood, new student at this graduate program, new rider of public transit… and as a new Muslim on top of that, I wasn’t quite sure how to balance it all. In the midst of these adjustments, I fell out of the habit of regularly checking up on the state of my heart. As a result, I’ve spent the past month not paying much attention at all to this organ which was no longer healthy.

With the complexities of our lives, I figured there may be some sisters out there in a similar state. I am writing this to you because I know the temptation to move from self-criticism to self-deprecation. I know how easy it is to begin to devalue ourselves once we realize we haven’t lived up to what we feel we should be. I have heard friends call themselves failures, which becomes dangerous when they start to believe their “failures” are who they are.

It pains me to hear the things that people say about themselves because I see them so differently. In this world, I think it is incredible that anyone is making the attempt to improve spiritually at all. And if I can see how beautiful they are, with all of my human limitations, imagine how Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) sees them, when He is more loving or merciful than we can even begin to comprehend. Allahu Akbar.

One beautiful thing about Islam is that it teaches us our true value. It teaches us that we have value, that we are worthy of purification, that we are created for perfection. When Allah (swt) loves us, He will show us our shortcomings so that we may improve. But this does not mean we are to hate ourselves and be ridden with guilt. I’ve found that Islam is about hope, peace, and joy. Self-hate and excessive self-deprecation isn’t entirely consistent with this deen.

This morning, after spending the entire night feeling terrible, I began to think about how Allah (swt) created light and darkness. Darkness is inactive – it is only acted upon. Light is powerful. For example, if you are in a pitch-black room and turn on a small light, even if it is under the table, even if you cover it with a sheet, that light would be sufficient for you to see. Darkness does not have the power to diminish light. In fact, the more darkness, the greater the light’s intensity.

“Light upon Light! Allah guides to His Light whom He wills.” (24:35)

This is the mercy of Allah (swt). He created a system in which good was designed to win. There may be equal amounts of good and bad, but good carries more weight. Good deeds are multiplied while bad deeds are counted only once. Light is more powerful than darkness. We are not meant to fail.

I finally realized that it was okay to be in this current spiritual state. It would soon pass. It only takes the tiniest bit of light to illuminate everything in your life that has become hopelessly dark. We were given the advantage. It only takes a little.

Many people will portray verses in the Qur’an as focusing on damnation and punishment, and come to the conclusion that Allah (swt) is harsh. Yet in my life, this has not been my experience. When I deviate so far from Islam that I feel I don’t deserve anything at all, Allah will guide me. While sometimes the guidance has been difficult, it is always done gently. Lovingly.

”Whereby Allah guideth him who seeketh His good pleasure unto paths of peace. He bringeth them out of darkness unto light by His decree, and guideth them unto a straight path.” [5:15]

Today, after all of these morning thoughts, I went to my new internship. I was unexpectedly assigned to a case with a coworker I had not formally met. She happened to be a hijabi. We were discussing life goals and I noticed her ending her statements with “Insha’Allah,” though she had no idea that I was a Muslim. The next time she said it, I also said, “Insha’Allah.” She continued to talk and then stopped abruptly.

“Wait. What?” I looked at her, grinning.

“Wait a second? Are you Muslim??”

As I nodded and laughed at the shock on her face, she began hugging me and announcing that she was going to cry. She had converted almost 20 years ago. We spent the rest of the rest of the day talking about Islam.

I had previously been taking my lunch break to walk half an hour to the mosque, only to feel intensely uncomfortable (to be talked about in another article, perhaps). I felt terrible not knowing where I could pray at work but had as yet lacked the courage to ask my supervisor – I had never before had to discuss religion at a workplace. I mentioned this to my coworker.

“Oh I pray right in the conference room,” she said. “That’s right, just right there in the conference room, Allahu Akbar! We’ll pray together.”

Alhamdulillah.

Allah lit for me a little light.

Sister Amna

I once was an idealist, but the world proved me wrong

It showed me its ugliness which scared me beyond bounds

Hence, I became hateful and spiteful only to hurt myself

I was hurt and I wept……and I called for help

I once was a feminist, proud and strong headed

It was my way of rebellion against the senseless traditions embedded

Life was unjust and it almost turned me mad

I had so many questions that never found an end

I was angry so I wept…..and cried for help

I once became a pessimist and lost my gift of hope

Life became cruel and brutal like never before

It sucked me in while I groped in the dark for help

I was helpless then, I wept……and called for help

Then there came a time when I feared displeasing others

Be it my friends, family, relatives or even strangers

Everything I did was to gain their pleasure

I ran after a mirage hence never quenched my thirst

I was so mistaken, so wrong…..I was befooled!

I was deceived and I wept……and I called for help

I wanted to escape, I had to escape, yes, I must escape!!

I had to find my purpose, the purpose of my existence

I had to find myself in a crowd of tags

I refused to be a hypocrite in a world full of lies

I refused to follow man’s made rules, traditions, practices and crimes

I became a misfit; wasn’t I always one?

I was looking for……what?……..I did not know as yet…

I crossed a thousand miles and I covered the lengths of oceans

I made sacrifices; suffered pain and loss

I looked for it in nature, in work, in people, in solitude, in places of worship

I looked for it in skies, in oceans and in seasons

I thought I had looked everywhere until I looked within myself…

It was disbelief at first but it was true

Something was changing in all of my views

My questions were answered in ways I never knew…

It happened gradually and everyday was a revelation

I never felt happier ever in my life; it was as if I found some treasure

I felt like shouting, I felt like screaming I felt so much joy; I prostrated weeping

It was still the same imperfect me but everything had changed

I wanted to share it with everyone but I couldn’t explain…

I found what I was looking for….

I found peace

The puzzle I was working on was now complete…

I pray I never lose my source of guidance and sanity

I can live without anything but not without His mercy

He taught me to be grateful and not to whine for more

He taught me to be patient in times that are sore

He taught me kindness, humbleness, forgiveness and mercy

He taught me firmness, justice, truthfulness, honesty and dignity

He taught me to thank, He taught me to ask for forgiveness

He gave me hope, He gave me courage, strength and protection

The one thing I never realized before:  He had always been there for me in the end

He had guided and helped me all along when I had called Him for help

The only difference was:  earlier He was a stranger but now He was a friend

He’s the Only One Who’s with everyone

Closer to us than we can imagine

He’s the One Whom we call for help in distress

He’s the One Whom we forget in bliss

He’s the One Who knows all

He’s the One Who sees and hears all

He’s the One Who puts mercy in our hearts

And He’s the One I put my trust in now

I call Him my Best Friend

It is still the same imperfect me but I found my purpose

Life is still difficult but I found my guidance

I do not care what people say

I do not fear what people may think

And I do not feel the need to explain why

I’m in submission yet I’m free

I’ve never felt happier ever in my life

I hope I can please Him, I hope I can make Him proud

I love Him more than anything; I love Him more than myself

Everything I do now, I try to gain His pleasure

I’m in submission yet I’m free

I’m still the same imperfect me yet striving for the better

In this journey of love, I’m only a beginner…

Disclaimer:  I don’t know poetry at all and wasn’t attempting it either. This is just my way of expressing my feelings. I share this only with the hope that others would avoid the mistakes I made thus far. That being said I do believe that everyone makes their own journey and there is no one right or wrong way to reach Him, and He knows best.

I was asked along with Sister Rebecca to speak at Trinity College October 18th. I am excited and nervous at the same time. We are supposed to talk about the journey to how we converted. My problem is that I ramble. Please make duaas for me to sound coherent. And if you are in the area… come on by.